There are times when cloistered reason leaves us shipwrecked on some distant shore. There are times when the cleansing precipitation of rationale is replaced by the humid warmth of time and the closeted cold sweat of fear. Before I delve into what singles me out in thought these days I would like to declare that over the years I have seasoned into an agnostic, I seem to have been marked this way all my life but have only recently come out of the 'believer' closet .
I would never denounce any one's beliefs this is not me, people should be left in life to follow and question their own choices and beliefs. Decide which way to progress, of late this path that I have chosen in my typical Gemini stance holds me indecisive. I remain the straddler on the long highway to nowhere. I have only recently figured that plainly I am just along for the ride but the person driving (highly metaphorical this sentence, I don't drive) is ME.
More than the presence of God, I question luck, fate, faith and superstition. As the world around us crumbles we are left wondering, questioning, wondering, why me? Why me out of Seven Billion people why me. Questions that we cannot answer. There is always that elusive reason REALITY that escapes us.
We are left staring at frost on a window, frost that disappears, only to unveil on the other side of a plate of glass a world of fun things, of happy lives, of fortune and fame, while the side we are left standing on is stained and dirty, finger printed, and anointed by breath ours and that of those before us all unsatisfied.
Why is it that we believe others are more fortunate, that someone has influenced our lives with bad or evil, that we have been marked by the heavens to suffer. I do not believe that the Neanderthals woke from their cold cave induced slumbers and worried that they were the ones allocated the short drawn straws. All they craved was primal - food, shelter, a mate, and possibly a portrait of themselves drawn in all their glory on some cave wall, crudely caricatured, but nevertheless who wouldn't want a Neandrathant on their cave wall.
As needs sub-divided and sub-divided further, it opened up a world of choice, and values for these needs assigned themselves dollar signs. These dollar signs marched to an exponential beat, further and further, from that frozen in place decimal place. It dawned on us that things seemed to be more and more out of our reach. This was the moment when that one thing, that one thing that one of our distant ancestors desired; it could have been a place by the fire, a ravishing mate that he/she could not possess, it could have been a twig, a parking spot for his pet brontosaurus, it could have been anything that he/she wanted but could not get. It was in that moment that jealousy, greed and belief were birthed as triplets. One fostered the other and it rose to a basic unreasoning that eventually there was someone or something that drove things away, something or someone that locked us in a stagnant place, while others less deserving traveled the world, had their own talk shows, won lotteries, secured that cherished office. But we, we tributed their achievement, we set up their pedestal, their character success, and it only made us crave their success even more. It is us that discovers, what it is that is missing from our lives, it is us that assumes that the other has it and we must possess it. We birth our own failings, name them, then figure out that someone else has better children. Blame it on the genetic waterdown. It is us that wants what another has, it is this same greed that feeds our jealousy and our fears equally. I have been at that unhappy place and I have been I must say very unhappy. I have been there, I have returned over and over. I have believed that it has been an easier road for others luckier than myself. But today I know that it was all me. I am the singular reason that I am still unhappy, largely unfulfilled. I still walk a very thin line between being content and I would be a hypocrite if I did not say that at times I still feel that I have been shortchanged in life. But today I attribute this more to myself than the curves on my palm, the stars that I was born under, the crooked tongue of another, the black eye of one, and the religious affiliations and sacrifices that need to be offered.
I fear now most of all that had I continued down that path I would have atrophied. I would have succumbed to a rigor mortis that would have left me powerless, with the will to do nothing, with the energy to do nothing to change my life. I would have rested under the illusion that fate, faith, luck and superstition would have manipulated the strings for me, I was but a feeble puppet that was powerless under their direction. Today, my belief is that if we know that someone, somewhere continues to turn things bad for us, why do we not choose to believe that there is someone rooting for us in equal measure, wishing us well be it a stranger or a friend. There is always someone who has their eye on us, out of seven billion people and the internet. Come on people. Believe that there is always someone wishing well, if you think believe that there is someone wishing bad upon you.
And my reasoning today is that neither will and can affect you.
It is simple. The only good, the only bad, is within us. None but ourselves can turn on one, and reduce the flow of the other, we are the only ones that can set things just right. But for that we need to know what temperature suits us best, what comforts us, not what seems to please others or what seems right for others. Only becoming informed, can we set that point as a standard for ourselves and work towards it. We need to refuse to believe that another person can do that to and for us.
I am the reason for my actions, my truths, my reason for living. I can only blame myself or pat myself on the back. I, and only I, can take the actions needed to change my life positively. This is my anonymous club with the membership of one and I need to move forward unshackle these chains of false reason, of fear, of derivative hope that bind and confuse me. I need to move towards a sunrise that is rationale driven. I need to take the reins and ride into the sunset (superbly cliched by moi I must say), at my discretion, not in a movie directed by another.
Watch closely for a sequel coming to a theatre near you.